Ramen, Mince Meat and Beano
by Shalan the Magnificent
Summary: Ed's a cat... and he's trapped with Al,Riza,Havoc,Hughes,Maria,Fury,Falman,Armstrong,Breda and Roy in Excel Saga... uh oh... with Ropponmatsu IV reporting!
1. The Hazards of Passing Butterflies

**The Hazards of Passing Butterflies**

HEY! Wazzap! It's me! The Ropponmatsu IV! I Love SUGAR! YAYA! This is my first Excel Saga fanfic… but certainly not my first fanfic! Yeah so w/e have fun!

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN EH-CHAN OR HER BELOVED LITTLE FRIENDS (Ha-Chan, El-Chan or Menchi-sensei!) Though I wish I did!

Caution: Do not read this if you are faint of heart, pregnant, prone to peeing when you laugh, prone to convulsions or hiss at the bashing of a certain female character from YuGiOh –cough-Tea-cough- if so then this story will cause you to loose fair lady, go into labor, pee until your room is filled with urine, convulse until your head falls off and hiss. This story can also cause severe brain damage… although you must be brain damaged to even think about reading this… so yeah… oops… we are not in any way shape or form responsible for the following: damage to property because of this story, damage to brain or body, the death of your cat, your toilet overflowing, your severe constipation, your inability to speak, your new ability to breathe flame, that dragon running you over, your mother shouting at you for wetting the bed, a random person chopping your head off or Edward Elric jumping out of your home ventilation system and attacking you, Gluttony eating your arm, Roy Mustang blowing your bodily functions out of whack, Excel and Hyatt and El Gala taking over your city, Ropponmatsu IV destroying your home or anything else that will happen to you… and we are not responsible for severe bodily harm when attempting to rid oneself of the hiccups.

Thank You,

Ropponmatsu IV and Co.

Health Warning: This story contains alchemists, devilists, coffeeists, pessimists, cynical cats, the Can-Can, a sugar high cyborg and a mad murderess looking for Ramen noodles… do not read this story it is not recommended for any age group and is hazardous to your health… and we don't freakin' care about what you flamers say… cause we don't listen sticks out tongue and pulls down eyelid Almost forgot! This story also includes: Prank calls, sugar highs, alcohol, raging stuffed animals, a carnivorous bunny rabbit, singing off key, cheap scenery, certain blondes storming your building, a giant dust bunny, the boogey man, a miniature Godzilla, rampaging bluebirds, a chainsaw, a flamethrower, a huge statue of bugs bunny, a slightly smaller statue of Roy Mustang, the wrongful use of a fish, a fishing rod with Riza Hawkeye attached to it, a fish hook… plus a whole lotta… other… stuff… and IRS bashing… yeah don't forget that… DON'T PAY YOUR TAXES FOLKS! So yeah… also… for your entertainment purposes alone we are now… WITHOUT RAMEN! Taking over a city near you!

HEADS UP! For those of you who don't or haven't read the manga the characters are as follows:

Ha-Chan: Hyatt

Eh-Chan: Excel

El-Chan: El Gala

Iwa-Chii: Iwata

Wata-Pee: Watanabe

Sumi-Chan: Sumiyoshi

Misa-Kun: Misaki

1: Ropponmatsu I

2: Ropponmatsu II

Just an ordinary day in F city. The sky was raining, the rain was pouring and the people were drowning. Ordinary as anything.

"Damn… we're lost…" Iwa-Chii hung his head. The cyborg looked around and then fell backwards.

"You have no sense of direction Iwa-Chii." 2 said to him.

"Whatever you say defect." Iwa-Chii told her.

"OOOH! LIGHTS!" 2 ran out into the road… 'BANG'

_meanwhile_

Somewhere in Mexico…

Eh-Chan traced a circle in the sand while humming a little tune to herself… 'Ramen… Ramen noodles…' That was all she could think about. Then she looked up… 'Menchi-sensei!' She looked at the dog, who whimpered.

"Who are these people?" Misa-Kun asked Sumi-Chan

'Search me…' Was Sumi's reply.

"Lu La Lu La Piano…" Roy Mustang came through the island doing a conga line with Edo-Kun and Ala-Chan. (AN: I do not own FullMetal Alchemist…)

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE? GET OFF OUR PROPERTY!" El-Chan growled and threw the two of them into the ocean.

"NOOO!" Some random passerby dove into the water after them.

_Elsewhere_

Roy shuffled the papers on his desk boredly and sighed. Riza walked in and handed him another 75 piles of paper work to sign (no he was just exaggerating… she only brought one.) He looked up and groaned as she slammed the pile down in front of him.

"Riza I am so bored… what can I do to amuse myself?" He asked her.

"I don't know sir, but try signing those papers…" She told him and walked out. Then suddenly an idea hit him.

'I know what can spice up my day.' The Flame Alchemist slithered out of the office and down the hallway and all the way down the street to his home. Inside was his niece, who was engaged to his worst enemy, a certain blonde. He and his brother and his brother's fiancé had come to live with them. He walked up the stairs, slowly drawing a small vial out of his pocket and sneaking into Edo-kun's bedroom. There was a shout and a slight sizzling noise and Roy-taisa ran for his life. He ran out the door, chuckling his head off the entire way.

(&(&(&(&(&

Roy looked up as Alphonse Elric walked into his office. Al had been changed back to normal and was carrying something in his arms. It appeared to be a small yellow cat. Suddenly the cat sat up and stood on it's hind legs, it had a pair of black and red boots, exactly like the ones Edo-kun wore… it had on a red trench coat… a smaller version of the one Edo-kun used to wear. It had a pair of bangs and a braid, the same that Edo-kun had with the same stubborn piece of hair… the only thing was that this was a cat… not Edo-kun or so Roy thought.

"Baka-taisa…" The cat said, in Edo-kun's voice.

"Edo-bozu?" The man asked and suddenly the cat became extremely upset, fussing and hissing.

"THIS ISSS YOUR FAULT!" Ed meowled. Roy looked at him and smiled.

"It is? Really? I didn't know that you could change into a cat Ed…" Roy-taisa told him and Ed growled…


	2. When Ramen Attacks

**When Ramen Attacks**

HEY! I've been updating like crazy on four of my stories all the while balancing other things too! Sorry… lol!

Caution: Don't read this… I mean seriously DO NOT READ THIS STORY! It may cause: blindness, hyperactivity, holes in your walls and other numerous types of severe convulsion like attacks! This story is not recommended for people over the age of 400 and under the age of… GOD! As my previous warnings read… ((I still don't see how you got this far)) We are not responsible I any way shape or form for the following: Gluttony letting one rip next to you in a small confined space, Edo-bozu attacking you by scratching your eyes out, Roy-taisa running at you naked, Riza-dono humming the mission impossible theme song next to you bedroom window while hanging from a fishing rod, the Statue of Liberty falling on your head, a giant tsunami crashing down and wiping out the face of the planet or severe bodily harm caused by attempting to find a sure way to relieve oneself of the hiccups.

Thank You,

Ropponmatsu VI and Co.

Health Warning: This story contains severe allergic reactions, singing monkeys, dancing naked people, the Macarena, Scarlett O-Hara, Edward Elric and Alphonse Elric. It also contains numerous dangerous diseases such as laughing until you piss your pants, laughing until you throw up or just plain laughing until you choke and die… Ramen noodles are demanding their rights! The packages are storming out onto the streets! THEY WANT THEIR RIGHTS! It also contains these delightful doodoos: Roy Mustang, a large rubber duck, the Trojan bunny, a man-eating caterpillar, a haggis, a sheep looking for its stomach, a sick and twisted woman, appearing in chapter 4! And of course the usual assortment of dodo's who reside in my realm…

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

EARLIER:

"_Baka-taisa…" The cat said, in Edo-kun's voice._

"_Edo-bozu?" The man asked and suddenly the cat became extremely upset, fussing and hissing._

"_THIS ISSS YOUR FAULT!" Ed meowled. Roy looked at him and smiled._

"_It is? Really? I didn't know that you could change into a cat Ed…" Roy-taisa told him and Ed growled…_

Edo-kun crossed his new fuzzy arms. He was standing on Roy's desk. Roy was trying to hold in tears of laughter, his gloved hand over his mouth.

"Sir, what is goin---" Riza opened the door then saw the kitty-bozu. "On?" She raised an eyebrow and both Al and Roy burst into laughter.

"That baka-taisa turned me into a cat." Edo-kun growled, his long yellow tail curling.

"Ba-baka-taisa…" Riza chuckled. Suddenly the entire room was filled with the lieutenants and the warrant officer. Breda, Hughes, Fury, Ross, Bloch, Havoc, Falman and Armstrong forced themselves into the room (Armstrong with much difficulty).

"LOOK AT IT!" Fury eyed the cat curiously as Ross hugged it.

"PUT ME DOWN!" Ed meowed.

"HUH?" Everyone leaned in to look at the cat as Maria put it down.

"Edward?" Al looked at him.

"I DON'T WANT TO BE TOUCHED! IT'S BAD ENOUGH THAT THIS BAKA-TAISA CHANGED ME INTO A CAT IN THE FIRST PLACE!"

ELSEWHERE, IN THE CITY OF F

"MuSt HaVe FoOd!" Eh-Chan looked around the apartment for something to eat, she was foaming at the mouth.

"Eh-Chan? Are you alright?" El-Chan asked.

"Ha-ChAn Is MiSsInG!" Eh-Chan said and dragged herself to the fridge. A huge 'ZAP' sound came from the living room and 12 people fell through the ceiling into the room where El-Chan was sitting. She screamed and Roy looked up her skirt.

"Who're you guys?" El-Chan shouted. Ed sat up and looked at his hands… erm paws.

"I'M STILL A CAT!"

'CHOMP!' Eh-Chan chomped down on Breda's arm. "WhAt ArE tHeY? cAn We EaTs It?" Excel asked.

"AAAHHH!" Breda screamed like a little girl and climbed up on top of the cabinet. Pulling his gun out he warded off the hungry Excel by poking her with it… until she bit the barrel off.

"Where in the hell are we?" Riza groaned and looked up, Roy was on top of her. Her face turned red and she shoved him off.

"I believe that we are not in Central anymore." Maria looked around the room.

"Wha-what is that? WHERE ARE MY CIGARETTES?" Havoc began to search his pockets then reached into Roy's pockets. Roy felt this and made a face, his left eye twitching.

"HAVOC WILL YOU PLEASE STOP MOLESTING ME!" Roy pulled his glove out of his pocket and snapped his fingers, blasting flames at the lieutenant.

"'pheh' Yes…. Sir" The now crusty and roasted lieutenant saluted. It was then that everyone noticed that his back was still untouched.

"StEaK!" Excel crawled over to Havoc and began knawing on his leg.

Everyone in the room was silent until there was a strangled cry from Fury. He was in the kitchen and had opened the fridge. There was not a single piece of food in the house.

Suddenly there was a Tarzan sound from inside the cabinet. Ed's head suddenly hung out of the cabinet, in his paw was a single package of Ramen.

"RaMeN…" Everyone turned towards him.

"RUN!" Ed took off through the cabinets and then launched himself out the door. He bunched himself up and kicked off his shoes running down the street. Suddenly he hit the bottom of the stairs to the second floor, the entire street was flooded… the cat-boy turned around to face the 12 starving people… Roy snarled like a wild dog and jumped on Ed, starting a huge fight. That continued on.

Elsewhere

A girl –cough-Jordan-cough- is being kidnapped, the man shoots her but she keeps talking until her brain explodes…

Back in F City

Ed sits down in the hallway, the Ramen is safe… for now…

"Now… C'mere Ramen…" Ed's claws slash through the package and suddenly a glazed faced Excel swings by on a rope, shouting something about rubber duckies. And snatches the package out of his paws.

U


	3. John Wayne and the Cure For Hiccups

**John Wayne and the Cure For Hiccups**

SMILE! You're on candid camera! Yeah so… I was a little tired last night, too tired to do anything on this story so I decided to do something today… hehehe, here in PDC the only "big" city nearby is Cancun… oh how I hate Cancun but it's the only place where I can get fresh milk… so yeah… here's the newest junk from Kiyomi Mizuhara-san and Co!

Special Guest: John Wayne… I love John Wayne… he's like my fave… yeah… hehehe read on…

Caution: The characters in this story may damage your health… as may I, reading this chapter of this messed up story can cause revulsion, starry eyes, glomping, jumping, fishing, hunting Ramen noodles, running away screaming from Ramen noodles, severe head trauma, burns, scratches, that chicken next to you changing into a dog eating creature ((made you look)), you mother to scold you, your father to run away and join the military because of the mini-skirts and lots and lost of laughter. We are not in any way, shape, or form responsible for the following: your dog biting you and giving you rabies ((as if you didn't have them already)), some strange a mysterious girl glomping you, Roy Mustang running through your house in a wedding dress, Riza Hawkeye running after him in a tux, Edo-kitty-kun meowing until your ears fall off, your shower stalling, banana splitting, board walking, the French toasting, the pan caking, fry cooking or John Wayne's ghost walking into your house and stealing your computer…

Thank You.

Yomi Mizuhara-Kun and Co.

Health Warning: Please just don't read this…

Normal Day… sorta… the middle of the night…

Roy let his head fall down and hit the table. He was so hungry. He turned a glazed face towards the sleeping Edo-kitty-kun. His stomach grumbled and he suddenly remembered something, he could walk to the nearest convenience store… because Roy hadn't eaten in almost 4 days, neither had any of them… Roy looked up, drool dripping from the corner of his mouth and stood up, his stomach was slightly concave. Suddenly he realized that he was surrounded by his lieutenants… they all wore glazed expression. He needed food and fast. Fury was foaming at the mouth, he and Eh-Chan were fighting over the couch pillows… he walked down the stairs and down the street. As he came to the corner he groaned. The lights were all green and tons upon tons of cars were going by.

…this was going to take a while…

… after 45 minutes of standing and waiting he suddenly took a chance and dove across the street in a heroic James Bond fashion, dodge rolling all the cars and sliding down the front of one. He dove across to the convenience store and walked in, after regaining his composure. He grabbed a basket or two and ran through the store… grabbing everything he could find (as well as about 50 packages of coffee and every single package of Ramen he could find).

As he arrived at the counter the other cashier closed down for the night so he was now forced to move to the other line, the line that seemed to be over 40 miles long.

…this is taking a while…

Finally after 3 hours of waiting in line Roy dashed out of the store, bags coating his arms and a few in his mouth. He dove across the street again and ran full speed down the street. He ran up the stairs, out of breath he burst in the door.

"FOOD!" Was the unison cry, everyone dogpiled him for the food. Roy just escaped with his life.

Normal Day… sorta… next night…

Ed hung out of the cabinet, he was curled up in a little ball. Suddenly he heard a bang and jumped up, his tail puffed and his back arced. There was another bang and he looked around. What he saw was Roy with a sledge hammer. Ed jumped to another cabinet as Roy slammed the sledge hammer into the cabinet. Ed's head popped back out and again Roy slammed the cabinet just as Ed dodged to another.

"WHACK A MOLE!" Hughes laughed. Ed's head popped back out and again Roy slammed the sledge hammer into the wall.

"COLONEL!" Al ran into the room and saw what he was doing.

"Hi Al!" Roy smiled and waved then lugged the sledge hammer up and again tried to hit Ed. Ed dodged out of the cabent and the game was on again. Roy ran after the terrified cat-boy and snapped his fingers, blasting fire at the scaredy cat. ((hehehe))

"ROY'S LOST IT!" Fury ducked as the Colonel swung a flaming sledge hammer at his head.

Suddenly Roy stopped and hiccupped. The entire room went silent.

"Did he… just…" Ed blinked.

"Hiccup?" Riza finished his sentence.

"I think…" Ross nodded.

"WE MUST FIX IT!" Havoc cried.

Unexpectedly the door swung open and in walked John Wayne, his spurs clinking on the hardwood floor, "I'll fix it." John said to them.

"He-hey… it's you…" Breda said.

"John…" Hughes breathed.

"Wayne…" Falman finished for him.

"I'll sock it to ya." John said and dumped a bucket of water on top of Ed and Alphonse.

"WHAT WAS THAT FOR?"

"A talking cat?" John knelt down and lifted Ed up by his scruff.

"NO! I'M A HUMAN AND THAT BAKA-TAISA TURNED ME INTO A CAT!"

"Well I can fix that." John clapped his hands and fixed Ed who turned back into a human.

"Alright-hic-y then." Roy said.

"Hiccups! How do we fix them?" Breda asked.

"Drink water?" Armstrong suggested.

"Alright!" Roy ran into the other room and came back a few minutes later with a glass of water and he drank it down.

"Are you cured?" Falman asked the colonel.

"I heard that standing on your head was a good remedy." John told them and they all looked at Roy.

"Hee! We get to stand him on his head!" Excel laughed insanely.

"UP YOU GO!" El Gala pushed him up.

"Are you cured?" Havoc asked him.

"I think… maybe…" Roy said then suddenly –hic-. "No." They stood him back up again.

"I heard holding your breath was supposed to work." Hughes told Roy. Roy nodded and sucked in air then stopped breathing.

"Just don't laugh." Riza said.

"Yeah Roy… I mean you laugh and it's all over."

6 minutes later Roy's face was turning blue then suddenly –hic- he let out all the air.

"Damn… nothing's working…" Falman said.

"Hmmm.. try drinking water while holding your nose." John suggested.

"Okay, anything to get rid –hic-of these th-hic-ngs." Roy said and held his nose, gulping down water.

"Are you cured?" Ed asked. Also getting interested in ridding Mustang of his hiccups.

"Well…" Ross peered at him.

"Are you?" El Gala asked. –Hic-

"Nope." John drummed his fingers on the wall and Riza hung her head. "Let's go straight to the source, hiccups are caused by spasms in the diaphragm…"

"HERE?" Ed slammed his automail fist, just below Roy's chest.

"That's the Solar Plexus…" Falman told him.

"A vital point on the human body." Havoc told the oldest Elric.

"Oops, my bad." Ed said in a sing song voice. –HIC- the hiccups were getting worse.

"Try applying pressure to the eyeballs." John said and Roy looked at him.

"Pressure to the WHA- AH!" Riza suddenly tackled him and press his eyes.

"Sorry sir… but I had to…" –HIC-

"Damn, that didn't work…" Hughes said, hanging his head.

"HORSERADISH! " Al suddenly cried out.

"Oh yeah… Mom use to make us eat horseradish to get rid of hiccups…" Ed smiled.

"H-horseradish?" Roy grimaced along with the rest.

"We have horseradish!" Hyatt said ((making her first appearance since the beginning of this story)).

"Here Roy." John handed Roy a spoon and the bottle of horseradish. Everybody but Roy pulled out gasmasks as he opened it. The stench filled the room and almost made Roy pass out. He gulped and took a spoonful of the godaweful stuff and shoved it into his mouth and gulped again. Then he closed the jar and everyone took off their masks.

"Are you cured?" Armstrong asked.

"I'm not –HIC- NOOOOO!" Roy fell to his knees and someone hit him in the back, then again and again.

"I-thwack-heard that-thwack-you can-thwack, crack, bam-cure the hiccups-thwack-by-thwack-hitting them-thwack-on the-thwack-back," Ed said.

"THAT'S YOUR AUTOMAIL YOU IDIOT! YOU'LL KILL HIM!" Havoc shouted and grabbed Ed's arm.

"Plus that's the way you help someone if they're choking…" Riza said --U 

"Oh oops…" Ed chuckled and Roy eyed him evilly.

"I think you broke my back!" Roy groaned, his back cracking.

"I heard that!" Riza told him. –HIC-HIC-

"Try pulling his tonge…" John said suddenly and everyone looked at him.

"Are you serious?" Al asked but before they could say anything Edo-Kun was on Roy, pulling his tongue with all the might of his automail arm.

"AHHHH! GEU II OO EE!"1 Roy shouted. Everyone looked at him.

"STOP!" Hughes told Ed and he let go of the poor colonel.

"How about… let's see…" Lieutenant Ross said thoughtfully… -HIC- "I think my mother once told me that the cure for hiccups was to give it to someone else."

Everyone looked at her. Then thought about this…

"How-do…do you suggest we do that?" Roy asked –HIC-

"Uhhh…" Ross looked around. "I'm not sure."

"WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME FOR?" Ed shouted at Roy who was looking at him mischievously.

"No re-hic-son." Roy told him.

Everyone stared at Roy and thought… what was the cure for this disease? They all pondered –HIC- and pondered some more-HIC-.

"I'VE GOT IT!" John shouted suddenly and Roy jumped.

"What?" Was everyone's reply.

"That was it…" John said. Everyone in the room sighed in frustration. "No, I was trying to scare him." They all stared at Roy again –HIC-HIC-HIC- nothing was working!

"Okay so anymore ideas?" Breda asked.

"Uhh…" Falman shrugged.

"Hmmm…" Fury shook his head.

"Nope." Hughes patted Roy's shoulder reassuringly –HIC-

"I'm fresh out." Havoc sighed.

"Don't look at me." Ross said.

Out of nowhere someone set off a gun, bits of the ceiling fell onto Roy's head and he jumped two feet in the air. –HIC-HIC-HIC-HIC-

"Damn…" Riza scowled.

"Any more ideas…?" Al asked.

"Maybe he's sick…" El Gala suggested.

"Sick?" Riza looked at her.

"Yeah… or perhaps we should as Lord Il Palazzo." Hyatt said.

"YEAH! Lord Il Palazzo knows everything!" Excel said and ran out the door. –HIC- A few minutes later Excel came back in with Il Palazzo.

"I say…" –HIC- Il Palazzo looked at Roy.

"Do you –hic- know a way –hic- to get rid of hiccups?" Roy asked –HIC-

"Hold your ears while you drink a carbonated beverage." Il Palazzo said and Excel ran in with a soda. Roy opened it as Riza plugged his ears. He gulped the can down.

"SO?" Hughes asked as Il Palazzo left.

"Uh…" –HIC-

"Nope…" Ed and the rest sighed and fell back onto the floor.

A few hours and many body jerking hiccups later El Gala looked around at them all. Fury was flicking paper balls at Roy, Hyatt and Ross were talking about something or another, Breda and Falman were sitting across from each other throwing cards into a large wooden bowl, Ed and Al were back to back, their heads together, asleep, Riza was sitting cross legged on the floor cleaning her weapon with John, Roy was lying on his back, his knees bent up with his arms behind his head as a pillow, Hughes and Havoc were playing poker with M&M's and Peanuts, Excel was now attempting to revive Hyatt next to Ross and El Gala was fixing her sweater.

"You know…" El Gala spoke suddenly making everyone jump.

"Know what?" Roy asked. –HIC-

"I was just thinking about the thing I said earlier… maybe he's sick."

"Sick?" Riza asked.

"Yeah… maybe you should get a doctor to look at that…" Havoc said, his cigarette still hanging out of his mouth.

"Huh?" Roy looked scared.

"Just the fact that he doesn't know makes it a symptom already." Falman said.

"Wha-what?"

"We think that there's something wrong with your brain…" Breda told Roy.

"Uhhh hey Roy… Your hiccups are gone…" Hughes pointed out. Everyone stared at Roy.

"Huh? HEY! THEY ARE!" Roy smiled. Everyone in the room let out a cheer until suddenly –HIC-

"Who was it?" Roy looked around. –HIC- the next one came from Edward.

Uh oh… what's gunna happen next… hehehehe… sorry I had to get that out of my system… sorry it was so long lol! READ AND REVIEW!


End file.
